Alice, where ya at???

So, I have decided I may actually post on here sometimes, and that all posts will not be sarcastic diatribes against the blogosphere (though most will). This one goes out to my sister Alice:

Your registration has been successful!
"Active.com-Registration" will be displayed on your credit bill.
Your Registration:
Thank you for registering for the 2008 SOMA/Red Rock Company Triathlon. We are looking forward to this year's race. For complete race information, visit our website at www.redrockco.com. Please contact us anytime at info@redrockco.com for more information.

Your turn.

Airing Dirty Laundry

I always felt one of the best uses of blogs was to create conflicts, and to resolve them. In that light I decided to have a conflict last night in order to resolve it in front of the blogosphere.

As you all know, American Idol is the best show on television (mainly because it is the only show on television due to the writers' strike). One of the contestants I enjoyed watching was Amanda Overmyer.

Well, Amanda got the boot last night. Admittedly she was probably the worst vocalist in the competition, and she couldn't dance, but there is something enjoyable about watching something that could turn into a train wreck at any second.

So, I was sad she got voted off. A very dear friend of mine made fun of her all night. And late in the night I mentioned I didn't like that.

Yes it is true. How dare that person make fun of an American Idol contestant? How dare I ask him to stop? Needless to say, its a huge deal.

So, in the theme of the blogosphere solving the world's problems, I now seek to reconcile with this friend in front of all you blog-witnesses.

As a symbol of conflict resolution, I also hereby include a very unflattering photo of Amanda Overmyer. [PLEASE PM OR EMAIL ME FOR THE LINK TO THE PICTURE]

Let's just stop trying!

My fine fellow bloggers. Now is the time to listen to me as I impart some knowledge to make your life much more happy. I recognized a problem today, and I have a proposed solution. I decided that for this event I will make the longest post in blog history. First, let me walk you through the first hour and a half of my day.

First, I set the alarm on my cell phone last night. Yes, I use my cell phone instead of an alarm clock because I am too cheap to buy an alarm clock [sidebar: I am not actually that cheap, I really don't have a problem wasting money. I mean just last week I spent 20 times the price of a decent alarm clock on an xbox 360 and games I didn't need. Lets say I am priority challenged.] At any rate, my phone rings, I spend 30 seconds finding it and pulling it out from under the bed where it had fallen, then spend another minute setting the alarm to five minutes later so I could pull off a pseudo-snooze.

I finally rolled my ass out of bed, and I still have so much to do to get ready for the day. I put on bib shorts, then a jersey, put on socks, strap on shoes, strap on my helmet, put on gloves, put on knee warmers, pump up my bike tires, find a bike bottle, fill up said bottle, and finally head out for a ride.

After the ride I have to spend equal time to take off all the gear I put on, then take a shower, shave, put on underwear, put on new socks, news shoes, pants, shirt, belt, deodorant, brush teeth, and then, sometime while doing my hair, it hit me. I realized it was all just such a big hassle, I wanted to stop right there, to leave my hair tussled and unfinished. I mean I had already wasted an hour and a half putting stuff on me or pulling it off, its absurd.

Further, its all for naught anyway. I throw a bunch of crap into some eggs (which my son yelled "smells so gross!"), and then toss the combined crap onto a plate. While walking out the door I spilled some of the egg crap onto my shirt. Now I am looking like this guy:

What a waste of time. So I propose something, let's just stop trying! It's time to give up, no more doing hair, brushing teeth, no deodorant. Rally people!!! Let's give up!! It would save us so much time.

I first came up with the idea to just give up when I went to my first NASCAR race about 7 years ago. I thought NASCAR was lame until I went to that race. I fell in love. There is just something so liberating about watching cars ride around with 150,000 other people doing nothing just like you. At that moment I turned to my friend and asked, "when do you think all these people just gave up?"

But look at this guy:

You can see the relief and happiness in his face. We too must take this opportunity to give up. Let's face it, if you are wasting your time reading this, you don't have anything that important to do anyway. Stop wasting time on your hair. Who cares if you stink, people will love you for your pheromones. Stop hiding your ugly, dirty self. Show people the real you.

You will thank me for this.

Garbage, out.

Photos

By popular demand I have decided to remove this quaint anecdote.

I make this public apology to all those who were not able to get the joke, who got it but were offended, or for those that thought it was too random. The last thing I want on this blog is for any post to be random, or for anyone to be offended.

Blogging is a lifestyle (aka, Don't worry, I'll waste my life here)

Many of my fellow bloggers have expressed concern as to whether I will continue to post on my new site. Perhaps they feel I do not have sufficient garbage to fill post after post. Or perhaps they think I have a life that will keep me away from my blog.

If you thought either of these two things, you must not know much about me, or about blogging. Trust me, I have as much garbage as anyone, and I have as boring a life as many of you. In addition, the beauty of blogging is that once you run out of stuff to talk about, you can bring up some mundane event in your life, or perhaps a chance encounter, and completely play it up to the point it seems almost interesting. I plan on implementing these successful blog techniques.

For example, on my ride home from work last night I saw two hookers walking down the street. While that may not seem that interesting to some, it was made much better by the fact that their pimp was walking only about 15 feet behind them, the pimp was even sporting a cowboy hat.

Now, I would like to wax philosophic about pimps in cowboy hats. Small brimmed cowboy hats are the pimp's second favorite hat. Why is that? I believe that such cowboy hats represent the freedom of the open range and the opportunity of the old west. It provides a beautiful juxtaposition with the despair and captivity of the world's oldest profession. I believe I saw those hookers and that pimp for a reason, to change the world by posting about it. As I improve my blogging technique maybe I will post a picture of said hookers for your enjoyment.

Until then, enjoy your garbage!

I love blogging

As you, my friends, already know, I love blogging. I have loved blogging before it even existed. Just the idea of spewing out a bunch of garbage that no one wants to read is great. However, creating a system that requires other people to read your garbage so you will go read their garbage is ingenious.